Enjoy the Rapture

it's officially christmas. the eve-of came to a close abruptly with my cell phone not long before i plunked myself down on a pile-of-shirts-pillow, to write this. the last handful of hours were filled with traditional drinking, eating, talking, laughing, wrapping, listening, tearing-open and repeating...and a touch of heart mending/mind easing swathed in a malted smile. it seemed to all happen so fast. the entire month has, actually. one minute i was arriving and the next i was helping my little brother cut carrots for santa's reindeer. the only evidence i have of the night is my special purple plaid schoolgirl dress that smells of smoke and sicilian delights; a stuffed tummy begging for me to develop an eating disorder; a bag full of goodies; and a hint of highland park scotch on my breath. the temperature has finally warmed up, and for a few moments, after leaving my father's, i felt relieved. the drive home was a blur whirled in conversation-the wake of an intense wave of words from yesterday. as i neared home, my car climbed up the hill with more hesitation than usual, and then it all crashed-metaphorically speaking. (my car is ok) i shut off the lights and took a deep breath as i turned it off, it seemed my happiness went off with it. i spent the last thirty minutes just sitting in my car: watching rain drops fall to the pavement and slide down the glass frame. for a moment i was on the brink of pouring myself. it wasn't as dramatic as the rain, but was [almost} induced by a similar tone of gray. maybe blue is a better color to describe it. i spent the time trying to undo the knot in my chest. trying to take control of what was going on that i could not seem to get a grip on. bah- confusion. i was pondering "is or isn't it worth it?" i was searching inside, outside, the stars in the sky, trying to find serenity wrapped in a package that would give me instant gratification. i came in to touch my hands to the one other thing that has the capacity to hold almost all of my feelings (despite it not having any) and found the above photo. it answered my question.

taking risks
falling hard in that soft kind of way
being vulnerable to the effects of pure, unadulterated dot dot dot
giving in
giving up
tearing down

are all worth it.

it's so cliche to say, but life IS short.
safety melts magical moments of life into the margins when you spend too much time, and energy, trying to skip ahead to see what the future pages hold.

enjoy the rapture... even if it does elbow you in the gut after.

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